I never thought I would be in this place again. It's as if I take two steps forward and then I'm knocked down a mountain and thrown back into the dark pit of despair. I don't know how many times I can go through this. I don't want to endure this pain anymore. I've suffered in the past eight years walking through a hell that was not my own and becoming a shell of a person I used to be. I feel angry, confused and disappointed. I feel immensely heartbroken. And yet, there is nothing I can do about it. The decisions that have occurred were not made by me. My life has been nothing but me bowing down and accepting whatever is thrown in my direction.
Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I want to escape my body. It feels like my soul just wants to escape itself and all I really want is a place to call home. And to be surrounded by people who love me and care for me. People who bring light into my life not pain, suffering, and sadness. I don't want to be connected to these people anymore even if they are family. I pray that our soul ties are broken. This isn't something I want to feel anymore. I want to heal and I want to move forward instead of being brought back into this dark place that I keep trying to escape.
I will find a way towards healing even if it's painful and slow. I will move forward even if I have to learn to accept everything I don't understand and realize that these things are beyond my control. I have to realize that I cannot place my life on hold while trying to save everyone else. It's making me incredibly sad. And I'm tired of feeling this way.